Sunday, April 17, 2011

Competitive me

I become defensive whenever I am told about me being too competitive. I don't get the point why people keep on thinking that I am so into competitions when in fact, I just want to do my best.

I'm referring to my acads here. I recently graduated and instead of blogging about how thankful I am for the things that I have been given and achieved, I guessed it wouldn't be too bad if I would rant first about something which I am now very concerned of.

They told me I love competitions, that I being better than others matters to me a lot.

I beg to disagree.

I actually hate competitions, that was what I told them. I don't get the point of being conscious about how better you are or how great you are at one thing while others seem to be too far behind. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Well, I guess it didn't, until the day someone had the courage to tell it straight to me.

...sana hindi ka malunod sa competitions...sana hindi ka malunod sa pride mo...

I was surprised at how this words came to me. Every word was like a slap that went straight to my embarrassed face, and they sure made a mark.

It was the first time someone told me about it, claiming that his words were merely based on his observations. Defending myself, I uttered furious words of disagreement. My mind was full of thoughts of me being right and that he was just missing my point, that he didn't have a clue of what it was that I experienced, that he didn't have the right to say those mean words. Deep inside I knew he had a point, but my defensive concern to myself, or pride, kept me arguing.

...just consider what I said...

And I did. Looking back, I realize that he did have a point, that he was right, that I had been hooked up with my pride the whole time.

About me being too competitive, however, I'm still not quite sure. I know, or maybe I forced myself to believe, that I don't like competitions. What I have enforced my mind to focus on is the importance of doing my best and not to compare myself with others.

But I asked myself why I wanted to do my best. Is it for me to succeed regardless of whether I am better than the others or not? Or is it because I wanted to be the best, to be better than others?

It is indeed to difficult for me and my pride to accept this, but I have to agree with the latter one.

Maybe I really didn't want to compete. Maybe I really didn't love comparing myself with others. But being better than others at times excites me. I find joy in knowing that I have done a great job and sadly, it is in being better than others that I based my success.

And it wasn't good.

Your competition should only be between you and yourself, a friend once told me.

It is only now that I realize she was right. Achievements, in any form, are achievements. They shouldn't be claimed based on comparison with that of others. We should assess ourselves on what we have reached not based upon how far we are from the others, but how far we are from where we came from.

I did my best, and I believe that is all that matters.

Changing my attitude when it comes to competitions may not change overnight, but I'll do my best to change for the better. I'm happy that there are people around me who, even if how brutal they may sound at times, are honest enough to point out my mistakes.

Thank you :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I messed up

I made a mistake. A huge mistake. I broke a promise and it felt so bad.
It wasn't the first time I encoutered the same situation. I've experienced similar circumstances with all the temptations rushing in inside my mind. Yet I was able to resist them. I can't say I'm good at resisting temptations but I was good at this one. Well, I WAS good at this one.
It just happened. I wanted to give in, I tried to resist. The contradictions of my thoughts were pretty difficult to comprehend, but I was relaxed. I didn't pay much attention to what was happening because I knew it would pass the same way it did many times before. I became too complacent.
I had a hard time accepting the truth. I messed up and it wasn't easy to just move one. Then I realized one thing.
It's like trying to become vegetarian. You get tempted, eat meat and fail. Good thing we are given chances to try again. For it is in these chances that we, hopefully, find success.
I still have a chance to make it up to the people I have hurt, to avoid doing the same mistakes, to ecome a better person. It sucks to know and accept that I messed up big time. But then again, it will never be what mistakes I did that would matter, but what I would do after committing them.
I have learned a lot from this experience. I just hope and pray that however bad it was that I did, it will help me become a better person.
Small hands, I'm sorry. I guess I won't have to make any promise anymore.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

On shutting up

"Nagshu-shut up ka na naman," (you're shutting up again) a friend once said.

I don't know what there is in just keeping my mouth shut that makes me more at ease in handling unwanted situations. Whenever I come across extreme emotions, I barely say a thing. I would rather tilt my head and say nothing, thinking of how bad I am in handling these feelings.

I was never good at controlling myself. Looking back, I realize that self control is something I've always wanted to have. So when I feel like I have to avoid doing something, I find myself having a quiet time. Not only does it allow me to refrain from saying something inappropriate, it also allows me to think clearly, to have a thorough glimpse of the situation I'm into.

At times, people think I only shut up because I'm mad. Well, I also succumb to silence when I want to clear my mind. When I think of something I believe is not worth of my time, I make use of silence to simply get rid of the thought of it. I don't know about others but for me, being quiet makes it easier to erase thoughts I believe won't do me any good especially when everyone around me keeps on talking about it. I guess it's also a good way of telling others that I'm not liking the topic anymore.

I may always be misunderstood about my quiet times but I think people just have to respect me for it. Silence offers me my own personal space where I can think clearly, clear my mind, or perhaps just simply take a little time to relax. It may sound a little weird for others but I guess that's just my way of handling things while I'm still trying to gain self-control. Besides, I don't always shut up, do I?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

mister mistaker

I always make mistakes. Actually, everyone does. But for the past few weeks, I've been repeatedly doing mistakes brought about by my simple stupidity...or is it really just my plain stupidity to be blamed?

Whenever we do something, we usually think. We think on why we should do something, what the outcomes of this certain action are, and how to do it. At times, we invest huge amount of time and effort on certain actions we consider important; the more important the actions and/or their consequences are, the more time we use to think about them. Personally, I do believe that thinking before doing something is essential and as much as possible, I make sure that I spend time thinking before I do something. Lately, however, I tend to forget to think the way I used to. Usually, I find my everyday situation very simple, free from any complicated stuff that may just cause any trouble. Yet I always end up making mistakes and worse, I even forget to realize that they are mistakes and that I am responsible for them.

Maybe I just forget to think

Thinking has always been a routine for me, so much as it has been for others. I don't know if I can call myself a critical thinker but I love thinking by looking at the different sides of a scenario while at the same time, applying my established beliefs and my limited knowledge. I even overthink at times but I end up with good ideas and decisions which never fail to deliver good results. If that were the real case, then why do I just suddenly forget to think? Forgetting is a good excuse for covering up mistakes, but is it really reasonable?

Maybe I forget to realize the importance of my actions and their consequences

When you know the importance of something, you tend to be more careful on how you handle it. I am more attentive to the things I deem special and I tend to become more serious in facing important situations. If my mistakes were related to things important to me, things that I value the most, then I shouldn't have committed any mistake in the first place. If these things are important to me, then why do I keep on making the same mistakes?

Maybe I became too assertive of my actions

I always think positively and in every action that I do I always hope for the best. When I do something, say, when I get to decide what to do with my acads, I always aim for the best and for this, I always give my best shot. This has been sort of innate in me that sometimes, I think I become confident on how I handle things; I become assertive that whatever I do would turn out great. If too much self assurance is the reason behind my mistakes, does this mean positivism won't assure you of a desirable result? Although being assertive may sound too negative, I know that my confidence on this matter is rooted on a positive outlook in life and in previous efforts that brought me good results. Then, why was being too assertive led me to making repetitive mistakes?

Maybe I am just overthinking

No, not really.

I really don't really know what these things are that make me commit the same mistakes over and over again, but whatever they are, I know that somehow I have control over them. It is indeed unfair to just blame everything on external, uncontrollable attributions but somehow, I still can't understand why I keep on making mistakes. Maybe it's because of one of the things I thought of or a combination of them, or maybe it's because of something I am yet to realize. Nonetheless, my mistakes are MY mistakes and I am solely responsible for them. I may find a couple of good excuses but at the end of the day, it was me who did what and therefore, I am the only one to be blamed. I may find it easy to say sorry but I guess I shouldn't be doing that anymore, not because I don't have to but because I have to stop being apologetic. Everyone whom I have hurt are worthy of my apologies but I think they deserve more than that. I know that I should have to accept my mistakes and take full responsibility for my past actions. But more than that, I guess I just have to learn from my mistakes, be more responsible for my actions, and be the mature person that I should be.

Small hands, again, it's my fault. I hope I won't be making the same mistakes again.

Friday, November 19, 2010

and so it happened (part I)

Its already 2:24 am and I'm still wide awake. Maybe it's because of the doughnutsss I ate? I don't know. Anyway, I was suppose to blog about the future so here it goes...

I was always positive when it comes to imagining what my future would be. Simple life without those unwanted complications was all I ever wanted. Right now, however, thinking of the present situation makes my perception of my future more and more complicated.

For the past few days, I have gone through a lot of emotional stress. A lot of unexpected stuff happened and I wasn't prepared to face all of them at once. I wont tackle them in detail anymore, let's just say that things about my personal life aren't really happening as planned. For one point in my life I felt alone, scared and hopeless. I've always known that there are people who love me but for that certain moment, I just felt so depressed I thought I was all by myself. I started crying and moments later, I was thinking of unimaginable things-well, for me they WERE unimaginable. I started praying and crying and thinking about what to do. My mind was so occupied by all the problems that need to be solved. After quite some time, I came back to my senses. Thank God and thanks to some of my dearest friends, I was able to calm down a bit and I even tried to smile. I always tell people to smile when they're not happy, knowing that it would sort of fool your body to think that you're happy and thus make its own ways of making you happy. Ofcourse it didn't fail me and soon I was able to think with my mind free from all that has happened.

So what now?

I actually don't what to do next. What about my future? My plans? My happiness? At times I think I'm being too selfish and all, but I think I do deserve to think about my welfare. Anyway, after what happened, I thought I would just continue moving on. I thought that this was the life I chose for a reason. Maybe all I have to do is to prove to others that I was right in choosing this. I don't know...Maybe I don't need t prove anything at all.

I know how stupid this post may sound but I just have to get all of these out of my mind. I don't know what may happen and I don't know how to face the tides to come. I guess I've learned that at times, it's good to just let go of your plans. Just release everything from your grip and let God's plan take its course. I know I wasn't doing anything wrong but I have to be sensitive of what my loved ones would feel. I know it's not easy for them but I just have to let them understand my side. Maybe they won't accept everything the way I did but I'm hoping that at least we would both compromise and meet halfway. I just hope everything will be okay for everyone; no problems, no hatred, no pain. All I can do now is hope and just let the future unfold itself.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

My PGH FSAd experience

After almost two weeks of exhausting workk at the Food Service Administration Division of the PGH's Dietary Department, I am finally getting 3 weeks worth of vacation! Woohoo!

So as some may have already known, I am taking my hospital dietetics practicum at the Philippine General Hospital. It was quite tiring, to think that we were not given enough time to rest after our equally exhausting first semester. We were assigned to do numerous stuff everyday but I can say I sort of enjoyed every single day I spent on the FSAd. The dietitians who supervised us were really kind and they were great in teaching us everything we need to know about the department's food service operations. We even had the chance t have hands on experience on their day-to-day operations and it was awesome. Although I still can't say I'm already loving food service as a field, I'm happy that at least I was able to really enjoy doing real-life FS stuff for the first time.

Friday, September 10, 2010

my reply

For the past few days, I have learned that you, most of whom I consider as friends, hate me. I initially became defensive about myself, insisting that I never wanted to hurt anyone nor did I ever want to be hated. Confronting you immediately was the first thing I planned to do, to tell you what I felt and to make you realize that you were wrong about hating me. The mere thought of having friends, as I still consider you as such, disliking me bothered me. I spent a minute or two taking deep breaths, trying to avoid any forms of depression. Moments of deep contemplation, however, led me to an important realization.

It's time for me to look in the mirror.

My mouth won't throw up brutal words of rebuttal any more and my mind will give up on fabricating excuses. I won't even dare to explain my side. Evaluating myself was not an easy thing to do and as painful as it was, it made me need to swallow every bit of pride my immaturity has built up on me.

I was wrong. I've caused you so much pain and trouble that when I realized about it, I felt ashamed of myself. I did things I knew were wrong, inappropriate, dishonest, deceitful. And for all of these...

I humbly apologize.

I know that this is not easy and doing this personally would be a more difficult task, but I think this is the best thing to do for me to develop as an individual, so much as it can help us rebuild and even strengthen our friendship. In return, I would like you to help me become a better person. Criticisms will not always be pleasant to the ears but surely they will be helpful in molding a pure heart. Besides, the end of the road to maturity is still out of sight and until I have reached it, I will always need a friend to guide me on my way.