Sunday, April 17, 2011

Competitive me

I become defensive whenever I am told about me being too competitive. I don't get the point why people keep on thinking that I am so into competitions when in fact, I just want to do my best.

I'm referring to my acads here. I recently graduated and instead of blogging about how thankful I am for the things that I have been given and achieved, I guessed it wouldn't be too bad if I would rant first about something which I am now very concerned of.

They told me I love competitions, that I being better than others matters to me a lot.

I beg to disagree.

I actually hate competitions, that was what I told them. I don't get the point of being conscious about how better you are or how great you are at one thing while others seem to be too far behind. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Well, I guess it didn't, until the day someone had the courage to tell it straight to me.

...sana hindi ka malunod sa competitions...sana hindi ka malunod sa pride mo...

I was surprised at how this words came to me. Every word was like a slap that went straight to my embarrassed face, and they sure made a mark.

It was the first time someone told me about it, claiming that his words were merely based on his observations. Defending myself, I uttered furious words of disagreement. My mind was full of thoughts of me being right and that he was just missing my point, that he didn't have a clue of what it was that I experienced, that he didn't have the right to say those mean words. Deep inside I knew he had a point, but my defensive concern to myself, or pride, kept me arguing.

...just consider what I said...

And I did. Looking back, I realize that he did have a point, that he was right, that I had been hooked up with my pride the whole time.

About me being too competitive, however, I'm still not quite sure. I know, or maybe I forced myself to believe, that I don't like competitions. What I have enforced my mind to focus on is the importance of doing my best and not to compare myself with others.

But I asked myself why I wanted to do my best. Is it for me to succeed regardless of whether I am better than the others or not? Or is it because I wanted to be the best, to be better than others?

It is indeed to difficult for me and my pride to accept this, but I have to agree with the latter one.

Maybe I really didn't want to compete. Maybe I really didn't love comparing myself with others. But being better than others at times excites me. I find joy in knowing that I have done a great job and sadly, it is in being better than others that I based my success.

And it wasn't good.

Your competition should only be between you and yourself, a friend once told me.

It is only now that I realize she was right. Achievements, in any form, are achievements. They shouldn't be claimed based on comparison with that of others. We should assess ourselves on what we have reached not based upon how far we are from the others, but how far we are from where we came from.

I did my best, and I believe that is all that matters.

Changing my attitude when it comes to competitions may not change overnight, but I'll do my best to change for the better. I'm happy that there are people around me who, even if how brutal they may sound at times, are honest enough to point out my mistakes.

Thank you :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I messed up

I made a mistake. A huge mistake. I broke a promise and it felt so bad.
It wasn't the first time I encoutered the same situation. I've experienced similar circumstances with all the temptations rushing in inside my mind. Yet I was able to resist them. I can't say I'm good at resisting temptations but I was good at this one. Well, I WAS good at this one.
It just happened. I wanted to give in, I tried to resist. The contradictions of my thoughts were pretty difficult to comprehend, but I was relaxed. I didn't pay much attention to what was happening because I knew it would pass the same way it did many times before. I became too complacent.
I had a hard time accepting the truth. I messed up and it wasn't easy to just move one. Then I realized one thing.
It's like trying to become vegetarian. You get tempted, eat meat and fail. Good thing we are given chances to try again. For it is in these chances that we, hopefully, find success.
I still have a chance to make it up to the people I have hurt, to avoid doing the same mistakes, to ecome a better person. It sucks to know and accept that I messed up big time. But then again, it will never be what mistakes I did that would matter, but what I would do after committing them.
I have learned a lot from this experience. I just hope and pray that however bad it was that I did, it will help me become a better person.
Small hands, I'm sorry. I guess I won't have to make any promise anymore.